A note to you, the addict: I was not sure about including this article on this web site. I am amazed and also stunned at the number of people that are reading it. This porn and the sexual curse that is plaguing our society is real. It is even in your own churches and homes. This article is fast becoming one of the top read articles on this site. I have had many positive responses from this one article. I have also had many conversations with those who are being affected by porn. Men and women crying in tears; trying to get out of it or telling me how their spouses are hooked on it and how it is hurting them.
I pray that you will take the time to consider those things said here and not brush them off so easily. I have another site that you might want to visit after reading this article. http://sexaddict.com/index.php
You have a problem and are here to try and gain help. Do not stop here. Get clean and stay clean. Become Pure of Heart! Go to those references that are recommended as well as the web sites and get the books.
Like Jonah, I also wanted to run away from the responsibility of telling you this. I did not and still do not really wish to speak to you this day. It is with great difficulty that I do speak to you.
The subject of this talk is one of my most closely guarded secrets. And had it not been for special circumstances of recent events in my life I would have kept it that way. I have asked a friend to pray for me as I type; so I don’t slur my words, mutter or stutter- and that my legs won’t collapse. They are shaking right now.
The subject matter I am going to talk about is PG 15. So I would suggest that those younger be taken to do a study elsewhere. My subject matter is also going to be very blunt and to the point. No more beating around the bush or dancing around the issues. I will say them very plainly and you will understand.
And finally, the subject matter will most likely offend many of you and cause some of you to be extremely uncomfortable. I make no apologies! I do expect to leave here today with no friends. I will pause right now for a moment while those of you who wish to excuse themselves may do so. I have warned you all now, so those still here are doing so because they are mature enough to hear and do something about this subject.
Around the spring Holy Days our Pastor gave a sermon on being Holy. I don’t recall how many times I have heard a sermon like that. Well yes I do. Zero. For although I may have heard them I never listened. This one I was listening to and I heard it loud and clear. In a nut shell, he said we, in the church, are to be making ourselves Holy. I always understood that to mean that we would be Holy when Yehshua returns and we are changed into “spirit being.” NO! Our Pastor said we are to make ourselves Holy NOW. Today, this moment, this week , this year! Not later or when Yehshua returns. Well, I have been working on that job this past year and would be more than happy to curse our Pastor for such a job assignment. Is he crazy? Did he realize what he was saying? Does he even know how much work that is and how hard it is- especially for me? Maybe some of you already have it down pat; but me, I have tons to do. Tons. But like Balaam I could not curse Our Pastor.
At the Feast this year in a sermon someone said in Ezekiel 14:12-23 12 The word of the Lord came again to me, saying: 13 Son of man, when a land sins against Me by persistent unfaithfulness, I will stretch out My hand against it; I will cut off its supply of bread, send famine on it, and cut off man and beast from it. 14 Even if these three men, Noah, Daniel, and Job, were in it, they would deliver only themselves by their righteousness, says the Lord God. By their righteousness! I knew I wasn’t righteous so I prayed about it and from that moment on till now I have had to face this secret sin of mine until I could not hide it any longer. I had to deal with it.
I look at many of you and I see Yehshua in you. You are so Godly, some of you, that I often wonder when I will ever be as good as you. And I have been attending since 1982. I leave here on the Sabbath and go home and am quickly brought back to the real world and see my sins and my sinful nature ever before me. How will I ever be like one of these saints? I have very little hope for myself at times; then other times I wonder why Yehovah even bothered to call me at all. To be an example in the future book of “acts of what not to do?” Of those that had no hope but tried? No, I am working on being Holy NOW. And maybe my example will be recorded as being a man who struggled and whom Satan wanted to stop from succeeding but I will succeed. Because His Spirit is already at work in me. And because of that Spirit, I am compelled to say what I am going to say to you all this day. God not only wants me to be Holy, but all of us. And therefore, if I have learned something of myself, I must also share it with you. Which brings me to a quandary, of sorts.
When we sin, who are we supposed to talk to? James 5:16 says: Confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.
As I understand this Scripture, if we confess to each other our sins, we should pray for the person confessing the sin to help them overcome it. To be able to offer advice, counseling and consolation as needed. But do we? Oh, we may talk about the weather or work or the problems at work or the problems with our marriages to a limited degree. But do we confess our sins to one another?
No one has told me they tried to kill someone last night or they just told the biggest lie at work. No one has confessed to me they still pray before the statue of St. Joseph or Mary. Most of the time we don’t want to know. We have enough problems of our own to deal with. “Work out your own salvation” we all too often say.
I have been struggling with sin all my life but only knew it was wrong after I came to church. Having been here for over 20 years now you think I would have someone I could confide in enough to confess my sins to. To help me get through those difficult times. But the truth is, I don’t. Therefore, my sin remains with me and is my secret. I would love to talk to someone about it. But my perception of the brethren and the ministry is such that when I look at them I see squeaky-clean people. Or as some say, I see their Sabbath face. The good side and only the good side. I also wonder if my perception is wrong and that you people are just as screwed up as I am; and maybe even more so. And yet my squeaky clean image of you persists.
It would be similar to this: We come to church each week then go home. But the person next to you has come here screaming 911 and looking for help. Needing it desperately. How would you feel if, when you dialed 911, the police, fire dept., and ambulance all show up, got out of their cars, sang a few hymns, said a closing prayer and then got back in their vehicles and went away without putting out the fire or rescuing you from being trapped in the car? Now, because we don’t and won’t talk to one another about our sins, we, as men, are at risk of not entering the Kingdom of God! We are at great risk! Why is this so? Because Mat 23:28 tells us: Even so- you also outwardly appear righteous to men; but inside you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.
I thought it was just me so I worked even harder at overcoming my sin; only to fail again and again and again. In Mat 18:21-25 Peter asked how often we are to forgive? Up to seven times? But Yehshua said: “up to seventy times seven.” I feel I have far surpassed 490 times and have still not gotten this under control.
It all has to do with the husband/father of the home. What he does or does not do. It can and will affect the lives of his family for generations to come; degenerating down further and further if not addressed, or lifting the family up higher and higher with each generation if he is careful to cherish his family. This enormous responsibility is in his hands.
There are laws that are in effect that, if ignored, can be deadly. For instance, the law of gravity- which is also called the law of momentum. A large object with a great deal of mass cannot stop on a dime. Ask any truck driver. These laws are like the wind. You know they are there, but you cannot see them. You know they are real because of the effect they cause when ignored. The invisible law I am talking about is the 7th commandment . Thou shall not commit adultery. And right away many of the men will say “well, that doesn’t apply to me because I am not sleeping around. I am faithful to my wife.” But listen to me while I expose your under side. You will soon be uncomfortable as I reveal my story and confess to you all my secret sins. I am no different than you. I don’t want this out in the open. Same as you do not. Who would? But, until recently, I thought I had it under control. Then I realized I had never addressed it at all; I had only hidden it from everyone else. And when I say what I was so eagerly willing to do again and how close I was to following through again, I knew I had to do something about it. Either I kick it once and for all, ( meaning for all my family and friends and those that are watching me as a follower of Yehshua) or I throw in the towel and give in to it as well as give up trying to be something I am not: a Believer, in the truest sense of what that word means. I don’t want to take/bear Yehovah’s name in vain. Nor do I want to just go and enjoy the few moments of pleasure here and there that I could find; knowing full well that Satan will keep me supplied with willing partners just to keep me out of Yehovah’s Kingdom.
In John 8:34 Yehshua tells us “Most assuredly, I say to you whoever commits sin is a slave to sin.” And I, too, will say to you men that whoever commits sexual impurity is a slave to sex!
We are to be Holy. We are to be pure of heart and mind. Mat. 5:28: “But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” And that’s according to Yehshua Himself. Not Bill Clinton’s version.
Gentlemen, I have been stuck here for years and heard sermon after sermon on not committing adultery. But what if you already did and you’re still stuck in this area? How do you get out? Yes, I know it is hard and I don’t profess to have it beaten. But I now know the way out. And ladies, you can have a roll in this change in your husband. But you will have to understand.
In order for you to know how to get out, you have to know how you got into this mess. It wasn’t all done in one day. It took years to get here and it will take time to get out. But you can get out. The unwritten laws are both; brutal when ignored and yet very rewarding when complied with.
The hardest thing in the world for me was to admit I was an adulterer. To find someone to help me next was even more embarrassing. I could not ask at church; they all thought I was a good, upstanding example of a Christian man! I didn’t want to do anything to burst their bubble. Who could I confess my sins to? I knew of no one that I could confide in. And worse still was that I could no longer talk to God. I was in sin and liked it and now he would not listen to me. But I also did not want to talk to God. That would mean I would have to admit what I was. I would have to confess it again for the umpteenth time. So I didn’t. I felt so alone. No one to talk to- not even Yehovah.
Recently I read in a magazine how homosexuals that were trying to come out of that lifestyle were often ostracized when they confided in someone at their christian congregation. Duties that they had held previously were mysteriously taken away, and friends they thought they had, stopped associating with them . Coming clean can be detrimental to your circle of friends. It can be very tough. So be ready. Sexual sins, whether homosexual, adulterous or (especially) of pedophilia; any of the many sexual deviant lifestyles are looked down on by society and are at the same time encouraged by society. But the type of sexual deviancy, no matter what it is called, is still lusting after the flesh and breaking the 7th commandment
My first contact with help was embarrassing and very awkward, but once the man on the other end of the phone started to talk and not poking fun at me or saying things like “suck it up and move on,” I began to listen to him and his advice. We talked for about ten minutes and I told him I was afraid to talk to my pastor. I didn’t want him to be disappointed in me. That’s when he said to me something I have never forgotten: “That is how Satan controls you and keeps you in this sin. Fear and secrecy. Keeping it in the shadows of the unseen. You have a problem that is going to keep you out of heaven and you need help.”
Fear of confessing. Fear of it being in the open to get help. Keeping it a secret so as to not let any one know we are not strong. Men are not supposed to be weak, but we all are. And, because we hide it, Satan has us before we even start out. I thank Bob at Focus on the Family for having the nerve to say that to me.
Male sexual impurity can be very unsettling, and even shocking to women. Women will think men are pigs or crazy and realize they are not the same as women when it comes to sexual problems . And I could not possibly explain it in such a way that the women could understand. I do ask that you women try to understand and pray for your husband and all men.
For me, I believe it started when I was pre-teen. I was fascinated by the pictures of women in panties and bras and swimsuits in the Sears catalog and the Bay catalog. They would be right on the coffee table and I could open them and pretend to be looking at the toy section when in reality I was perusing the ladies teddies. Another time I was exploring the local dump. I found a large steamer trunk and when I opened it, I found it was full of Playboy magazines. Eureka! I had hit the mother-lode! Little did I know that it was Pandora’s box. Once opened, it could never be closed. I sat there in that abandoned house for days until I had gone through as many of the pictures as I could. I was in my young teens.
We also would go to the drive-in to watch James Bond. I loved the “Bond women.” They were always so sexy so buxom. And Bond was always in bed with them at some time during the movie. At intermission Mom would say to all of us to put our heads down. That is when the X-rated stuff would be advertised. We would always try to sneak a peek. Eventually my brother and I learned to go to the bathroom just before the previews started. That way Mom thought we were inside doing our business and in reality we were standing in the shadows of the building watching.
Later at sleep-overs I learned about the Baby Blue Movies. And as I watched them, it felt nice to have an erection that seemed to stay there as long as I thought about the sex scenes I was watching. So I thought about them as often as I could just so I could maintain this feeling. No one told me it was wrong or the price I would pay. It just felt good.
From there it “progressed” to going to night clubs, then strip bars; eventually paying for lap dancers, as well as prostitutes and massages. It was all a “natural progression” of unrestrained sex. I knew it was wrong but the boys and I did it anyway. At work we would ogle women and many times undress them with our roving eyes. It felt good. It still feels good.
Then along comes the church to this sad life and tells me this is really wrong through sermons and studies. So I want to be in the church and do what is right, but the images of all these women and all these different experiences keep coming back into my mind. Sometimes out of the blue, and other times when I recall them myself. But not one time was the whole sexual disorder explained. Not one of these religious types could explain why I wanted to keep going back. Why am I like this? Am I the only one or is everyone like this? At work I was normal because all the guys did it or were going to do it. It was “natural.” However, at church it was wrong and not natural; but who could explain it to me so it made sense? No one!
So I tried to put it away in the back-rooms of my mind and be a good guy. I asked for forgiveness on Sunday, but then on Monday morning I would get the play-by-play from this one or that one on how far they got with this new hot babe. I found myself sometimes being envious. I put it away on the back burner, but never completely out of my mind. Years after being in the church and also having a very rocky marriage, I still find myself attracted to women joggers in the sports bra and spandex. As I drive past, I am looking in the rear view to see what I missed as I approached them. I still stop when flipping channels to watch a love scene. I still look in the next car to see if Rachel Welch is waving at me to come on over. I still look at those pop-up porn e-mails that still get by my blocking devices. They’re purely for research! Yeah, right.
I find myself online looking a porn sites. I could go on and on, but I won’t. I suspect that some of you here know exactly what I mean. James 1:15 “Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death.” In 2 Pet 2:10-22 one part jumps out at me, “…having eyes full of adultery and that cannot cease from sin, enticing unstable souls. They have a heart trained in covetous practices, and are accursed children.” They are “like a dog, returning to its own vomit.”
I can read the Scriptures. I can understand what they say. But I can’t stop. I can’t help myself! WHY? WHY? WHY?
In looking for the answer to that question, I learned that by just looking at an erotic, sexy or even a plain, ordinary woman; if I let my mind wonder, I would get a small high. I didn’t even have to look. I could just imagine it and the high would be there. What is going on here? These are called “pleasure highs.” In the book Every Man’s Battle, it tells us that “Men receive a chemical high from sexually charged images. The hormone epinephrine is secreted into the bloodstream and it locks into our memory whatever stimuli is presented at the time of the emotional excitement.” (See: http://www.amazon.com/Every-Mans-Battle-Winning-Temptation/dp/0307457974)
Men are stimulated through the eye. They are stimulated instantly this way. I can, to this day, remember the first playboy magazine I saw. Shortly thereafter, I can see in my mind as vividly as I see you, the breasts of our eighteen year old neighbor in her bikini. I was only about 13 at the time. I don’t remember her face or her name, but I remember what she looked like in that bikini. One was a picture and the other was in real life. I was stimulated by just looking.
The hormone epinephrine is a drug. And, like cocaine or heroin, is extremely addictive. So you all know what comes next, right? We seek to get another hit of this drug; a boost to our system. So we look for our next hit or high. And it could come from anywhere. A local ad, much like those we now see at bus shelters; or teens selling clothing or lingerie. Maybe the women at work will give you this boost without them ever knowing what they are doing. Maybe it’s that love scene on TV or a racy movie you see with your wife. Perhaps that lady at church starts your motor. It makes no difference to you as long as the injection is made into the blood so you feel good.
But wait, this will not satisfy you. Over time, some of you will get bored with the same stimulus. In fact, now that you are used to that level of epinephrine in your blood, you will need a bigger hit of it to feel good like you did before or like the first time. This is the addiction starting on you just the same as cocaine. So you turn from Playboy and Penthouse to, say, Hustler. Or you move on to HBO or erotic movies at the local Blockbuster; or you go to a peep-show house. Or perhaps you are already past this point so you go to the local bars hustling women; next maybe you advance to strip clubs, lap dancers and prostitutes.
Guess what happens next? All women become nothing more than objects. They are no longer human; just objects so that you and I can fill our lust quotient. We have just dehumanized them for our own selfish pleasure. It’s easier that way. We don’t want to know their problems or who they are or what they think. All we want is to satisfy our craving for another epinephrine fix. And at times it does not matter how we get it. But, if we are used to it at one level, we will seek it out at a higher level of erotica for the fix. That’s what highs do- they never leave you satisfied. You always hunger to go higher.
Now let me introduce you to some of the women we have sought out in our search to satisfy our lust.
Kristen never knew her Mom and was physically, mentally and sexually abused by her Dad. She ran away from home at the age of 10 for good; ending up in the big city. Nightclub owners picked her up on the street and took care of her. By the age of 11 she was making hard-core pornographic movies and was also in hard-core porn magazines. Oh yes, she was having sex with the club owners and other special guests. By the age of 14, she had her own I.D. card stating she was 18 which enabled her to strip in clubs for the patrons.
This club catered to those who like to watch those who looked like children. Kristen was still a child. The club owners kept all the money she made. “They kept me on drugs. I started out on Valium and later did them all. Drugs were everywhere in the club and easy to get. They want you to get drunk and take drugs and make money for them. Once they have you hooked, they have you” said Kristen.
Dancing earned Kristen about $300 a night. But when the big clients showed up, Kristen would escort them around town to fulfill their every desire. For this she received $800-$1000. The owners and the bouncers would be given liberties with the girls almost on a weekly basis. If they refused they were killed or had suicide notes left on their cars. Kristen never refused.
On her 7th call to several different churches Kristen finally got some help in order to get out of this line of work at age 21.
Elise was sold into child pornography at age 4. And for 4 years she was involved in sadomasochism, brutality, and bestiality. Before she was nine years old, she witnessed the filming and death of a little girl caused by rough sex with a man. She called it a “snuff” film.
At the age of 16 she became involved in the male-escort services; being flown to Miami for weekends of sex with wealthy and affluent men. In a room at the estate Elise would have sex with numerous men. The sex was filmed and given to the men. On Monday she was flown home to await the next call on the next weekend.
Elise was lavished with clothes and jewelry, like royalty. But this treatment was based on her sexual performance. On one occasion, one girl protested to the sexual abuse. The roughness. The owners of the business brought all the girls to the back yard and threw this one girl in the pool. That is where they shot her. She was murdered before their very eyes.
Lynn was another young girl sexually abused by a Catholic Priest and the laymen. This began at the age of 5. In later years, she again was sexually abused by male friends that her drunken father would bring home. Lynn started to run away from home at age 12- hooking up with a boyfriend by 16 who was 20 years older. He began giving her drinks spiked with a date-rape drug. Later, when she refused his advances, he pistol-whipped her and, pointing the gun at her head, threatened to kill her and her family if she did not cooperate. She would also be locked in a room sometimes for days- until she cooperated.
Lynn was now ingrained in the culture; doing the drugs and booze to numb the pain of stripping and prostitution; of making men feel important so she could get their money, only to give it to the boyfriend. She was also invited to Vegas to perform there and act in porn shoots for $1500 a day. And like Elise, she was also lavished with clothes and jewelry as long as she performed. She, too, survived and then eventually got out. But not until she was 28 years old.
Every girl that is involved in this industry was, is and will continue to be abused. Physically, mentally and sexually. Their job is to make you believe that they want sex from you. That they want you so bad. And they will do whatever you want just to please you.
They see you as a dollar sign and nothing more. They think of you as a disgusting predator satisfying your own lust at their expense. They were deceived into thinking that the club and owners would look after them and later on they find out it’s not true. You’re deceived into thinking that they find you attractive, interesting and whatever else they come up with just so you will put out more money. Once the money stops, you’ll soon see how fast the deception ends.
Oh yes, one other thing. All three of the stories I just shared with you are true and, unfortunately, I could have picked a dozen more. And one of them, one of those stories is my sister… She also told me that many of the men she has “danced ” for were “good Christian men.” In preparing for this article I recently read, and she concurs, that this sin affects 80 percent of all men in any congregation. At least 10 percent of them at the severe addiction stage. Those are the ones that could be capable of doing harm to satisfy their own cravings. Only 10 percent of the men in this congregation, according to the statistics, have this sin under control. Or have overcome it. The rest have not.
That means that 90 percent of us are going to be at the narrow gate of Yehovah’s Kingdom and not get in. We will, instead, be told what it says in Mat 7:23 “And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!’ “Those are the most scary words I could imagine ever hearing.
But we don’t practice lawlessness! Or do we? 1 John 3:4 “Whoever commits sin also commits lawlessness, and sin is lawlessness.” And the law is the Ten Commandments.
So tell me, have you seen my sister? Have you given her boyfriend money so he can keep her enslaved? Has your money you used to purchase the next Playboy magazine helped to encourage other productions of magazines or internet sites that produce some of societies worst criminals? Has the money you paid out been used to make a SNUFF film; where the woman or the child is murdered- just so you can get your good feeling again? Your drug fix! Have you seen my sister???
My marriage was stormy but the sex, I thought, was good. But therein is part of the problem. It was sex and not making love to my wife. I was dehumanizing her because of my lust for sex. I have only just come to learn this. And that, not from our church. Now that I know I am doomed unless I correct this fatal flaw. I was forced to seek help.
I read the book Every Man’s Battle. I started the book half a dozen times. But my sin was not that bad, or so I thought. Not until I reached that point where I knew if I keep going, I will be at my final death with no more chances.
I read how it described each of the authors, Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stokers, decline into sexual impurity and it was, in fact, describing my life and my impurity. The examples were vivid and clear. No mincing of words or descriptions. I am a sex addict. The same as my Dad was with women, cigarettes, food and booze. In all of these addictions, you need to have someone to hold you accountable. Someone who is going to ask you how you are doing, how are you in the head.
I began looking at Alcoholics Anonymous, hoping to find some help on breaking the addiction, and learned that there is also a Sexaholic Anonymous.
Here are the Twelve Steps:
1. We admitted that we were powerless over lust — that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. We then made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. We continued to take personal inventory and, when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. We sought, through prayer and meditation, to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him; praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to sexaholics, and to practice these principles in all our daily activities.
(The Twelve Steps and Traditions are adapted with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services.)
I learned that a man receives sexual gratification through the eyes (see pages 64-65- Every Mans Battle) and it is just as much foreplay to him as stroking the inner thigh or rubbing the breast of a woman. Visual sexual gratification of nude or partly nude pictures gives pleasure to centers of our brain.
In What Wives Wish their Husbands Knew about Women, Dr. James Dobson writes “When sexual response is blocked, males experience an accumulating physiological pressure which demands release. Two seminal vesicles (small sac containing semen) gradually fill to capacity; as maximum level is reached, hormonal influences sensitize all sexual stimuli. For most men, this heightened sexual desire takes only about 72 hours to recycle. Which amazes many women. So a guy can have sex on Sunday and want it again 72 hours later on Wed. And the urge gets stronger with the more visual stimuli he receives from pictures or revealing adds or the flirtatious girl at work. He can even create past sexual relations or new ones in his mind with women he passes by. So that by the time he gets home to his wife who is exhausted from her work and the kids, his motor is already revving at high speed.”
Every Mans Battle describes me and my maleness very well and leaves no excuse unturned. It then goes on to describe three areas of defense and how, by applying them to yourself, your marriage relationship well improve.
With your eyes feasting on other women as they pass by or as you meet them during the day. Your eyes look down the top of the gorgeous secretary as she bends over or at her shapely behind as she walks away. You are robbing your own wife of the attention you should be focusing solely on her.
The example they use goes like this: You have ten bowls of sexual gratification to be filled each day through your eyes. The first is the female jogger going down your road. The second is the bill board sign at the corner with trashy Brittany Spears showing a lot of body, more than ever. The third is the secretary bending over, the fourth was the co worker winking at you. And later talking dirty flirtations with you at break time. And on it goes till you arrive at home and you have only two bowls left to fill. You look at your wife to fill them but then you flash back to today’s events. You have cheated her of the opportunity for her to fill all ten bowls herself.
The next example was for the mind and its imaginations. The example was of a wild stallion Mustang. It runs free and mates with whomever he can find. If he smells a mare in the wind he’ll run over the hill chasing her scent for miles just to mate. He is strong and powerful and free but not content. A land owner sees him and lassos him; putting him in a corral. The mustang still gets all worked up as a young filly trots by and tries to get out; but in time the mustang learns that he is content with the mare that is in his coral. I have really over-simplified the content of the book, but in brief it says to build a perimeter defense with your eyes, then to build one with your mind and to build a third around your heart.
By doing this you are focusing all your attention and getting all your sexual gratification from your wife. She may not understand at first, but as she receives all this attention from you she will respond in kind to you. She’ll feel more cherished and, in return, will cherish you as a male too.
So when I see marriages that are full of problems, I can’t help but wonder how much the man is getting his epinephrine filled from other sources beside his wife. Is he secretly lusting after strange women whether with his eye or his mind?
So many of my problems have been caused by me. Not my religious beliefs, but my lustful eyes. What about you Bob? How is it going with you Mike, Nick, John Tony? Put your own name down here. Are you, JOE, keeping the covenant with your spouse concerning your eyes and mind. We can see the fruits coming out in your marriage, and the problems. What are you going to do about it?
Finally, Brethren every time we break one of the commandments are we not just acting in selfishness? When we covet are we only thinking of our own selfish desires, when we steal are we not being selfish? So when we crave sex with someone, whether in our mind or in our eye, we again are being selfish thinking only of our own lustful ways.
Chuck Swindoll said “Lust is the craving for salt when you are dying of thirst.”
Another example I read on lust, but cannot remember who said it, was an Eskimo hunting trick. They take a sharp hunting knife and dip it in blood. Then they freeze the blood on the knife. They repeat this many times until the knife and the sharp edge are completely covered and frozen. Next they place the knife in a block of ice so the point is pointed up and leave it like this for the wolf. The wolf begins to lick the blood, enjoys the taste and licks some more. After a short while he begins to lick frantically and starts to slice his tongue as the blood is licked away. He doesn’t notice how bad he is bleeding and continues to lick away. He will soon die not far from the knife, having bled to death. The whole time he was killing himself, but he enjoyed the pleasure of the blood so much he could not feel the pain.
Such is the sex industry. It is a deception that makes you feel pleasure at the same time it is killing you.
Here are some resources on line for help. I am going suggest a bundle of books. Every Man’s Battle. The Silent War. Every Woman’s Battle, Every Woman’s Desire.
For Men Struggling with Sexual Addiction:
Breaking Free, Russell Willingham, InterVarsity Press
Every Man’s Battle, Steve Arterburn and Fred Stoeker, Waterbrook Press*
Faithful and True, Mark Laaser, PhD, Zondervan
Pure Desire, Ted Roberts, Regal*
Riding a Dead Horse, Tom Buford, Tommera PressSex
Men and God, Douglas Weiss, Siloam Press
Steering Clear, Earl Wilson, Intervarsity Press
The Silent War, Henry Rogers, New Leaf Press
Waking the Dead, John Eldredge, Thomas Nelson Publishers*
When Good Men are Tempted, Bill Perkins, Zondervan Publishing*
Wild at Heart, John Eldredge, Thomas Nelson Publishers*
(Many of these books have accompanying workbooks and great for small groups)
For Women Struggling and for Wives of Men Struggling:
An Affair of the Mind, Laurie Hall, Tyndale Press*
Every Woman’s Battle, Shannon Ethridge, Waterbrook Press*
Living with Your Husband’s Secret Wars, Marsha Means, Revell
Every Heart Restored, WaterBrook Press
Teens: (with parent):
Every Young Man’s Battle, Steve Arterburn, WaterBrook Press (15-20 yr olds males)
Preparation for Every Man’s Battle, Steve Arterburn, Waterbrook Press (11-15 yr old boys) (To be done with parent)(Both of these have workbooks as well)
Clinical Resources on Sexual Addiction and Internet Pornography:
Contrary to Love, Patrick Carnes, PhD, Hazelden Press
Out of the Shadows of the Net, Patrick Carnes, PhD, David L. Delmonico, PhD, Elizabeth Griffin, MA, Hazelden Press
Reference Guide for Physicians, Pastors and Counselors, Prodigals International:
Parenting/Protection Against Internet Pornography
Protecting your Child in an X-Rated World, Frank York and Jan LaRue, Tyndale Press*
I am doing this because I know all too well how each of us, in our pride, will think they can do this alone. And also because you, like me, will want to continue to keep this a secret. You can read this at home and be ashamed without any one else knowing. And if when you are ready, if you want to talk but can’t talk to the ministry- I am willing to listen. IF you’re truly trying to change. If not, don’t talk to me.
Read this article from firesofdarkness.com
The porn addict…
As men, we carry our pride like a badge of honor. We use it for a shield against anything that might threaten our self-esteem. We hide behind it when other people attempt to offer suggestions which, if followed, would require us to change our courses in life. We know better than anyone else what is best for ourselves. After all, we managed to bring ourselves to the place in life where we are. And we will do a fine job of going on the next step.
Therein lies one of the greatest problems that men who are addicted to pornography face. Because they believe that they know what is best for them, and because they do not want anyone violating their manhood by telling them what to do, they continue blindly down the same road of destruction that brought them to the place where they are. That place may be one where, because of his pornography addiction, his marriage has fallen apart, his financial situation has deteriorated, and worst of all, his spiritual relationship has all but disappeared.
It is crucial that men come to the understanding that they cannot fight this battle alone. Perhaps you are one who considers himself to be a “self-made man,” one who has fought his way up the corporate ladder – only to find that you were the only one there when you arrived. If you are a pornography addict, you should consider that by yourself, you managed to crawl all the way to where you are. In the world of pornography use and addiction, the ladder goes down, not up. It goes straight down into a pit that has the ability to totally consume any of us.
Accountability is often discounted as nothing more than a crutch, a place to hide one’s own inadequacies. Objections to accountability are usually rooted in pride – that same pride that says you don’t need help.
God takes a different view, though. “As iron sharpens iron, So a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.” (Proverbs 27:17 NKJV) “Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; but how can one be warm alone? Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4:11-12 NKJV)
Admitting the need for accountability is not surrendering your manliness. It is not the sign of a weak person. It is not a crutch that might allow one to think he can walk without assistance when in fact, he can’t. Instead, it is the sign of a man who is big enough to admit that he cannot do everything. Accountability is one of the most powerful weapons we have in the battle against pornography addiction. The use of that weapon allows us to admit to our friend (our accountability partner) that we have come against something that, at least for a moment was more powerful than we were. It allows us to admit that we need help to fight that enemy, but in a way that brings no reproach. Ultimately, it provides support in a battle that simply cannot be fought alone.
Now you should see the video of Ted Bundy by Dr. Dobson on pornography. If you have not seen this video, as strongly as possible to all addicts I do suggest you view it. Ted Bundy was a normal guy just like you and started to look at pornography and as he reached the end of each level he would go to the next level and as the magazines suggested he would try what they said which led him to the extreme level and killing his female victims. It is an eye opening video. You can order it from Focus on the Family by Dr. James Dobson.
My talk today has been concerned with what and how men think. Many issues that are common to men, are common to women also! They just manifest themselves differently. “And even though a mans physical needs are in the drivers seat pertaining to sex, with his mental, emotional and spiritual needs in the back seat, it is the opposite with woman, with her emotional needs leading the way. Men give love to get sex, while women give sex to get love.”
I don’t have time to explain this subject to you today as well in the detail it deserves. So I am going to suggest each family here also, order a copy of Every Mans Battle, Every Woman’s Battle and The Silent war. As well as Every Woman’s Desire. Four books for you to read and study so that your marriage will be better. But you must read and forgive, and understand if you wish to grow closer to Yehovah and His righteousness.
And lastly Brethren, turn to Colossians 3:5 and read: “Therefore put to death your members which are on the earth: fornication, uncleanness, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. 6 Because of these things the wrath of God is coming upon the sons of disobedience.”
Are you aware that God was going to kill King David for his sin with Bathsheba? The man He said was “a man after His own heart.” God was going to kill him! 2 Sam “But David repented and asked for forgiveness and God spared his live.” What about you? Have you sought out God’s forgiveness or are you going to chance whether or not He will actually punish you with death.
My last scripture. Please order the books and read them. Please. Deut 30:19-20 “This day I call on heaven and earth as a witness against you that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice and hold fast to Him.”
HOW DOES PORNOGRAPHY GAIN ITS FOOTHOLD IN A PERSON’S LIFE?
Pornography’s control over us begins with us and ends with us. The control that it has over us begins with a conscious decision to partake of it. For most men, it began between the age of 11 and 13 when a friend or older brother made his stash of Playboy magazines, or some similar publication, available. The images that are burned into the mind of a vulnerable young man in the pubescent stage of life stay with him.
The young man who is on the path to pornography addiction unconsciously allows his perception of what is or is not desirable in women to be molded by the imagery in the pornography that he views. Few women in real life can hold up to the expectation of a porn addict whose idea of perfection is based upon the image or deviant performance of the models he has preoccupied himself with. He grows up to see that type of sexual behavior and those physical characteristics as preferred over the norm.
As the use of pornography becomes more frequent, and as it becomes more important to the user, masturbation will almost always become a habit. It may be seen as a choice that can be stopped or started at will, much like tobacco users often claim. But the reality is that, for the future pornography addict, masturbation becomes a catalyst of sorts. It is usually an intertwined and almost inseparable offspring of pornography usage.
God created humans with neuro-chemical systems in place that reward us when we satisfy a need or desire that the body has, such as hunger. Those same systems come into play when the body is in the process of becoming addicted to a given activity or substance. Neuro-chemicals and hormones including, but not limited to, epinephrine and serotonin are dispensed during the addictive behavior. Epinephrine acts to reward the body for giving itself something that it craves.
Other neuro-chemicals and hormones enter the process in an effort to try to bring calm and balance to the body’s systems. One produces a “high” in the body. Another attempts to keep the body from getting too “high.” In the case of the porn addict, as the body becomes accustomed to a certain level of neuro-chemical activity, it calls for harder and more deviant material to produce the same high. The body then has to produce larger “doses” of the counter-acting chemicals to keep the systems in check. And so it goes; like a merry-go-round that can become impossible to jump off of without divine intervention.
Pornography addicts (almost without exception) lack a strong spiritual foundation. This is not to say that every person who is not addicted has that foundation. But the person who is addicted to pornography – whether he or she is a lawyer, trash collector, or a pastor – lacks the level of relationship with God that allows him or her to readily escape temptations when they are presented, rather than fall head-long into their grasp. The person may be able to quote passages of Scripture left and right. He may be able to pray eloquent prayers. He may have spent years acquiring a knowledge of God. But the thing that matters most – a heart level relationship with God – is missing. The pornography addict does not have a pure heart. Instead, he has a heart that is saturated with dishonesty, arrogance, selfishness, and pride – all, things that God hates. Sometimes there is a measure of anger, bitterness, and insecurity added in. Most pornography addicts are deceitful, made that way by
the shame of their sinful lifestyle.
The Bible says in James 1:14-15 (NKJV), “But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death.” When our own natures desire something that is sinful or that is based in lust, we set ourselves up for a life of bondage. The death that this passage of scripture refers to can be a physical death. It can be a spiritual death. But it can also be the death of control over our own actions; the death of our financial security due to the demands that the addiction places on our wallets; and the death of family relationships, including the destruction of once-solid marriages.
The presence of constant temptation in the life of one who does nothing to avoid it, is little more than assurance that the undesirable behavior will continue, probably until the person finds himself in stage four of the addiction – acting out. (See http://www.firesofdarkness.com/pornography_addiction2.htm for more information about the various stages of pornography addiction.) When the porn addict refuses to change his day-to-day habits so that he will avoid his strongest points of temptation, he is asking for trouble. Maintaining cable television, unfiltered Internet service, a route to work that passes by a favorite porn shop or strip club – whatever it is that presents the opportunity to succumb to temptation – all of these serve to strengthen the addiction. When one plays in a hog pen, one has to expect to get mud on himself or herself. So it is with pornography. When one plays with pornography, he must expect to have the garbage that is associated with it cling to him.
(**We realize that some people who are now addicts were introduced to it as a child through an abusive situation. There are some additional issues that should be dealt with in that situation. However, the way to end its control is the same for that person as for the one who deliberately began using pornography as a teen or adult.)
THIS SIDE OF THE WALL…
What if the thing that you do in secret was broadcast on TV? Really! That thing you do when no one is at home but you. Or suddenly, your scene was played out before those who think you’re the best, the greatest. We all know a judgment day is coming, someday way out there, and all that we do will be revealed. Not only that, judgments come daily. Even those who regularly attend church on Sunday cannot escape the eyes of God. He says, ‘Am I a God near at hand? And not a God afar off? Can anyone hide himself in the secret place so I shall not see him? Do I not fill heaven and earth?”*
You know of David, a man after God’s own heart. Yehovah really loved him. But David fell. David had looked upon Bathsheba with lust, and when lust was conceived, he committed adultery. God sent a prophet, Nathan, to tell him the cost of his sin with Bathsheba. Yes, someone knew. God says to David thru Prophet Nathan, “I gave you your master’s house and your master’s wives into your keeping, and gave you the house of Israel and Judah. And if that had been too little, I also would have given you much more!’ Then the stinging question came. ‘Why have you despised the commandment of the Lord, to do evil in His sight?”**
“Thus says the Lord ‘Behold I will raise up adversity against you from your own house, and I will take your wives before your eyes and give them to your neighbor, and he shall lie with your wives in the sight of this sun.” All of these punishments are about his wife because he had taken another man’s wife. Then the most solemn warning, “For what you did, you did in secret, but I will do this thing before all, in the sun.” David’s sin caused him public humiliation.
Do you do evil before Him? Do you know that you cannot hide from your Heavenly Father? So, why do you wait to repent? God could just as easily send someone to warn you of judgment coming like he did for David. But it did not save David from punishment.
You do have the warning, sent from Yehshua. If you do evil in His sight or commit adultery in your heart, you can repent. David’s own prayer of repentance is in Psalm 51. “Have mercy on Me O God, blot out my transgressions. Wash Me thoroughly from my sins, clean Me. My sin is every before me, against you only have I sinned.” I haven’t written the whole Psalm so you might be inclined to read it for yourself out loud and let David’s words be your words. ‘For God will bring every work into judgment, including every secret thing, whether it be good or evil.'”
*Jer 23:23 **II Samuel 12:8 ***Eccl 12:14
(Note: Mera Buford is the wife of Tom Buford, founder of Man On The Road and author of Riding a Dead Horse: Carousel to Hell.)
Pornography addiction is real and is capable of affecting any person. If you have doubts, just ask a friend who is caught in its clutches.
Copyright (c) 2007 by Man On The Road and www.firesofdarkness.com